Hey Reader,

This, week, I've been recording the Voice Note Clinics to celebrate hitting 1000 followers in Instagram.

Can I just say... I am absolutely loving them!

People have been sending me the most thoughtful questions, and it's such a privilege to hear what's really going on for them. (Thank you, if you've been one of them).

One question in particular, from someone I will refer to as S, stuck with me, because it's something I struggle with on a daily basis.

She wrote:

So, let's go through:

1. Why this is happening
2. My insights on the real issue (an opinion, not a diagnosis)
3. What to do about it
4. What if you don't visibly blush?

Why do I blush sometimes?

When we feel all eyes on us, our nervous system detects a "threat" and reacts faster than our conscious mind can keep up.

Adrenaline is released as part of our fight-or-flight response, and one of its effects is that the tiny blood vessels close to the surface of our skin on our face widen.

More blood reaches the skin, which is why we feel that sudden warmth and why our cheeks become redder or more flushed (more visibly so for some skin tones than others).

Your body is responding exactly the way bodies have evolved to do.

Which I think is pretty damn cool. So, being a nerd, I dug a little deeper and found something interesting.

FAIR WARNING: You remember how Ross, in the TV show Friends, would drone on about dinosaurs while everyone else glazed over on the couch? Yeah. Prepare yourselves.

​Some research shows that people who visibly blush/flush/go red/have a noticeable change in skin tone when public speaking are often seen as TRUSTWORTHY by their audience.

Wait, what?

That's right. TRUSTWORTHY. One theory is that blushing or flushing and its associated side-effects act as an honest social signal. It tells others that we care about how we are coming across, that we are socially aware, and also self-aware. It's our inbuilt honesty signal.

My opinion (based on anecdotal evidence only, AKA what happens to me):

It's not just the initial blush that is the problem. It's the monitoring of it.

Here's the cycle I see/experience:

1. All eyes on you sparks the fight-or-flight, you go red or flush a deeper tone.
2. You think "Oh, Good Lord here we go, can everyone see? Yes, they can see. What must they think of me?"
3. You're now focused on audience perception even more.
4. Body says "Great - I know what to do"
5. Face gets redder/flusher
6. Rinse and repeat steps 1-5

And all the while you're trying to split attention between the heat in your face and what you actually came to say. Cognitive overload, anyone?

Now, here's the kicker:

We can't stop the blush. Not always. It's going to happen. Something or someone is going to throw you off your game, and your face will warm up and glow like ET's thumb.

But what if we could nip the above vicious cycle in the bud? What if all that happened was Step 1 - you go red or flush for a second and then return to your normal? What if you could then direct your attention to what you actually came to say and not on the fact that you're turning a concerning level of maroon?

What to do about all the blushing

Here's what I've been practicing that is having a noticeable effect:

1. Remind myself that this is an inbuilt honesty signal. Try to use that to override the "Oh Lord, they must all think I'm an imposter" self-talk. This takes practice. I use a new phrase I say to myself - "Proof I'm human" - because in the age of A.I., sometimes it is worth checking!
2. PDA (no, not that kind): Plant your feet; Drop your shoulders; exhale fully with a silent "Ahh"
3. Carry on talking. You know your stuff. You have the expertise all in there. Just carry on talking. Look at what S said: "I can continue speaking well through it". Your ability to communicate hasn't disappeared - your body is just reacting to being observed.

What happens for me? The redness just fades back to my usual tone.

What the research DOESN'T say:

I mentioned above that some research suggests that visible blushing can increase perceptions of trustworthiness.

But what if you have a skin tone that means your blush isn't particularly visible?

You might still experience exactly the same rush of warmth to your face, but it simply isn't as noticeable on your skin as it is on someone else's. So I want to make something very clear.

Some social psychology research has found that, when a blush is visible, observers often rate the person as trustworthy, sincere, or socially aware in certain situations (it's context-dependent rather than universal).

What the research doesn't say is this:

"If you don't visibly blush, people will think you're less trustworthy."

That simply just isn't true. So if you're of a darker skin tone with a less visible blush, please don't think you're missing out on a "trust signal."

Many people experience the exact same surge of adrenaline, the same feeling of warmth, and the same urge to monitor that reaction in real time, regardless of whether that rush of blood to the face is visible.

It's that urge to monitor ourselves that thows us, that keeps us from being fully focused on what to say, that keep sus stuck in the viscous cycle outlined above. Our blush doesn't need to be visible for that to happen.

The main takeaway

Understand what's happening in your body so you can stop the self-monitoring in real time, and bring your attention back to communicating your capability, credibility, and hard-earned expertise clearly and coherently.

Steady together,
Ellie xx

P.S. I've still got five spots open for the Steady Speaker Voice Note Clinics. REply back to this email with "clinic" if you're interested in your own tailored session and I7ll take it from there.