Hey Reader,

Your inbox is about to get very loud.

Halloween, Black Friday, Cyber Monday, Thanksgiving, Christmas. Every brand you've ever bought a candle from is about to remember you exist.

So before it starts, I want to make you three quick promises. And further down, I get to the good stuff - I'm sharing five hills I'll die on as a nervous system -led speaking coach.

Promise 1: No Black Friday discounts from me.

Sounds harsh, I know. But here’s my belief:

When everything goes on sale, you start to wonder why it wasn't that price in the first place. And the people who paid full price deserve better than that. I'll still be giving back to this community, just in a more (in my opinion) useful way. I'm thinking something along the lines buy one, give one. More on that soon once I’ve worked out the kinks.

Promise 2: You'll be able to skip the sales emails without leaving.

I'm relaunching the Steady Speaker Intensive later this year, so you will see some promo emails in December. But this time I'm setting up a way for you to say "not for me, thanks" and still get this newsletter. No need to unsubscribe from everything just to get a bit of peace.

Promise 3: My current offers are getting some WD-40.

I’m not doing a complete rebuild. Just putting some oil on the cogs that were starting to rust. Any changes largely come straight from what you've told me you want. This business is built from the ground up, with you- so it needs less of me guessing what you want and more of me listening to what would help.

That's the housekeeping done. Now the good bit.

Making these promises got me thinking about the other lines I won't cross. Not in business this time, but in how I coach. I’ve been a bit flimsy in actually taking a stand on some of the “advice” I see out there in the public speaking world. Maybe it’s turning 42, maybe it’s general fatigue with trying to be liked more so than trusted, who knows but something is changing, for better or worse I’m feeling less wary of saying what I think.

Because there's a lot of speaking advice out there that sounds sensible, gets repeated everywhere, and actually risks makes things worse. The kind you've probably tried yourself, wondered why it didn't work, and blamed yourself for.

So here are the hills I'll die on. And more importantly, what to do instead.

5 hills I'll die on as a public speaking coach and uni lecturer who speaks (unwillingly) in front of 100+ people daily.

1. One more run-through of your presentation won't stop you blanking.

Blanking isn't a memory problem. It's a stress response.

When your body goes into alarm mode, it temporarily shuts down access to the part of your brain that stores your script. That time would be better spent using a breathing practice that will help reduce that stress response.

2. Walking in without checking what you're actually feeling in your body is the exact thing that sets you up to blank.
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​So what do you do?

Take 30 seconds. Start at your feet and scan up: feet, legs, belly, chest, hands, face. Notice the sensations there. Use this formula:

My (body part) is (action) and it feels (sensation).

Research out of UCLA shows naming it helps your body settle.

3. "Just be confident" is not useful, helpful advice. It's nothing better than wishful thinking.

What do you say instead?

Don't try to talk yourself into a feeling. Don’t assume you know what others are thinking about you. Tell yourself what's true.

I call this Fact vs Assumption.

“They all think I’m an idiot” vs “I can’t know what anyone is thinking, I know my stuff and that’s enough”

Which one feels better?

4. Memorising your talk word for word makes blanking more likely, not less. Miss one word and the whole thing tanks.

So what do you do instead?

Stop trying to prevent the blank. Plan what you'll do when it happens. A long, slow exhale? A couple of beats to breathe and feel your feet on the floor? The blank is a physical stress response. So your plan needs to be physical too. Pick one move and practise it until it's automatic.

5. Being a calm, steady speaker doesn't mean becoming a boring speaker.

Need proof?

Look at Michelle Obama, Brené Brown or Dave Ramsey. Animated, warm, funny, engaging. And completely steady underneath. Steady isn't flat. It's what lets the real you come through. The version that makes it easier for your audience to connect with, engage with, and remember.

Ok that’s enough hills for this week. Now for something seemingly totally left field.

What I'm loving this week (a new section of the newsletter that I’ll try to keep up with).

All My Friends Are Superheroes by Andrew Kaufman. A two-hour listen or a short afternoon read. It's odd. Properly odd. And it’s also very beautifully utterly human.

But it left me asking: what's my superpower? What do we do that no one else does quite like us? What is something that we do that is perhaps even something we don’t really like about ourselves? Yet it somehow is absolutely necessary in the world?

I'm still working mine out. Best guess? Finding the quickest-yet-still-reasonably-well-done way to get a job done so I can get back to just being me, curled up on a sunny window sill with a good book, a strong cuppa, and a cat. Productivity in the service of pure laziness.

What's yours? Hit reply and tell me. I read every one.

Ellie

P.S. Try hill 4 this week. Pick your blank move today, practise it three times, and tell me how it goes. If you need some help deciding, reply back with Hill 4 Help and I’ll guide you along the process.